It's Friday. Sex?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
