turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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