You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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