two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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