we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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