Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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