grandma shit on top of the toilet
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
