I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Randomize
