so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
