ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
