why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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