everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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