so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
