I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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