My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
