...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I want to make a zoo with you.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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