matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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