My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
