So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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