when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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