I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
