And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
