woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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