she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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