Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
