my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
