i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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