It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
