If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
