My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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