I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
