The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
