You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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