Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
