I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
