Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
