I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
