These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
