I need to stop coming to work sober
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
