I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
