you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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