if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
