I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
