the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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