my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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