What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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