Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
