She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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