I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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