you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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