Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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