Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
