I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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