Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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