The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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