Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
