you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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